BUffy the Vampire layer
by S.L.Beckman
Summary: buffy semi-au.........my other buffy gave my friend unrelated nightmares so I have switched to comedy...slightly perverted pairings.....ooo our 'favorite' b***h explodes in the 2nd scene!!! (bye bye cordy!) but she'll be ressurrected...follows the plots l
1. New Girl

Ok this is my Buffy 'alternate universe' thing. I'm just gonna start at the beginning of the series and.go on..from there. So, I hope you like it, but um..if you don't too bad I'll just keep posting because I'm a sad loser w/ no life. Pity me. No, don't. just kill the FTBG!!!!!!!!(molly - I assume you'll know whom I speak of.)  
  
OK so.this begins right after the movie when Joyce and Buffy move to sunnydale  
  
Scene1:  
  
(Joyce's car pulls up in front of Sunnydale High. Buffy climbs out and leans down to talk to her mother.)  
  
Joyce - Now Buffy, you meet me right here after school.  
  
Buffy - You wish! I am SOO going clubbing with my buds!  
  
Joyce - What club? What 'buds'?  
  
Buffy - Good point. SO, right here?  
  
Joyce - Yeah. Love you.  
  
Buffy - That's nice. (slams passenger door and walks over and into school)  
  
MEANWHILE: (Xander stares at Buffy's.leg.as it sticks out from beneath her mini-mini- mini-skirt. Unfortunately, he is on a skateboard, and crashes into Cordelia. Arms and legs fly everywhere. Cordelia and Xander both appear extremely disgusted.)  
  
Cordy -EEEWWW!!! Stop molesting me you freak!!!!!!  
  
Xander - EEEWWW!!! I am NOT molesting you! I do NOT molest people, and if I did I would NOT molest YOU of all people!  
  
(Cordelia runs away with shouts of 'ahhhh! Unclean! UNCLEAN!' Buffy walks up to where Xander is sitting on the ground. He starts to drool on her shoe)  
  
Buffy - eewwww!!!  
  
(Xander starts to wipe it off0  
  
Buffy - Stop molesting my shoe!!! (kicks up and knocks xander over with a well-placed foot in the chin. Runs off muttering that her shoe it 'unclean')  
  
Xander - (muses to himself) what is it with these people??! I made a PUBLIC announcement at the end of the year that my days as a molester were over. Didn't they get the memo??  
  
CUT TO:  
  
(Classroom. Buffy sits in the back next to cordelia. Teacher prattles)  
  
Teacher - Blah blah blah blah blah 1815 blah blah blah blah blah page 557 blah blah blah blah blah.  
  
(Kids start turning to page 557)  
  
Buffy - (to cordelia) I think we're supposed to go to page something or other, but I don't have a book, because I'm just so stupid that I wouldn't have gotten one before school started. Can I look at yours.  
  
Cordy - Book..term unfamiliar..cannot compute!!! (explodes)  
  
Buffy - (raises hand) Um, this girl just exploded..  
  
Fade off teacher TO:  
  
(Library. We see Giles reading at one of those little stupid table things that change size, shape, and position in every episode. Willow and Buffy walks in.)  
  
Willow - So, this is the library. Look, books. They say I'm a geek but you never see me actually reading outside of class so I guess I'm a computer geek who wears laura ashley.  
  
Buffy - (looks blank, nods politely) oh....  
  
Willow - And this is the librarian, Mr. Rupert Giles. (gives him a small, flirty wave, which he returns, then clears his throat and gets up.)  
  
Buffy - (sees wave, takes it in, barfs on Willow's shoe)  
  
Willow - ...(runs out to bathroom)  
  
Giles - Well, I guess we're alone.  
  
Buffy - (obviously uneasy having seen flirty wave thing) yeah..  
  
Giles - Well, you can call me Giles because my first name's stupid and no one seems to remember that I'm a school official and that I should really be called mr. (he is british, fyi)  
  
Buffy - right...i'll just...be going now...  
  
Giles - (grabs huge 'vampyr' book, runs and throws it at her, she catches it) No! You are the chosen one!  
  
Buffy - (Opens book, sees back issue of 'playboy' with willow's head pasted on the cover, barfs all over the book, runs out.)  
  
Giles - Hey! That was my favorite issue!!! 


	2. The Aluminum

Part Two  
  
(A/N even I was disturbed by the last section, so if you don't want to read anymore feel free not to)  
  
(It is later. Lunch. Buffy is sitting alone. Cordelia enters and Buffy sees her, and gasps)  
  
Buffy - But...you're the girl who exploded in history class today!!!  
  
Cordy - I would NOT!  
  
Buffy - ...  
  
Cordy - (walks away)  
  
(Willow comes in and tentatively sits next to Buffy)  
  
Willow - Can I sit here?  
  
Buffy - (looks like she's about to barf again, catches her self and splutters) ummm, it appears you already are.  
  
Willow - okay!!!  
  
(Xander enters and sits next to Willow. She drools on his arm. He doesn't notice)  
  
Buffy - oh my god! (recognizes Xander) You're the guy that molested my shoe this morning!!!  
  
Willow - Xander, I thought you gave that up!!!  
  
Xander - I did!  
  
Buffy - ...... you people are twisted!!! (runs away)  
  
Willow - Don't worry, she's new.  
  
Xander - (drooling after buffy) I know...I saw her this morning.  
  
CUT TO  
  
(A hallway...Cordelia and Harmony are walking)  
  
Cordy - So, then he like smashed into me and totally knocked me over! Skateboards are a menace to society!  
  
Harm - oh, I completely agree!  
  
(Hot skateboard guy walks past them...cordy has a double take)  
  
Cordy - (to HSG) hey, I think skateboards are hot. Wanna go out tonight??  
  
HSG - Sure. Whatever. **** you. (walks off sullenly, skateboard under his arm)  
  
(A/N molly I hope u know where that line came from!!! (ftbg!) and if I didn't get it right screw u ppl I don't care!)  
  
Cordy - That was so rude!  
  
Harm - I totally agree. Who wouldn't want to go out with you??  
  
Cordy - Okay, so I have to tell you about this skitzo new girl who said I exploded during history class. Do you know her? Her name is like Bunny or something. Isn't it lame??  
  
Harm - Oh, I completely agree!!!  
  
Cordy - GOOD!  
  
(Buffy runs past them)  
  
Cordy - hey, wait. Although you came off as entirely skitzo and you were hanging out with the freak patrol, I'm gonna give you a second chance. Wanna come to the aluminum with my posse tonight??  
  
Buffy - Aluminum??  
  
Cordy - The club around Sunnydale. The only place worth going.  
  
Buffy - I'll be there.  
  
Cordy - Good.  
  
Harm - Good.  
  
(They flounce away)  
  
Buffy - (mutters to herself, re: the conversation she had w/ her mother) no friends, no clubs, HA!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
(Library. Giles is sitting behind the librarians desk but no one ever comes into the library cuz no one at the stupid school reads so he's alone. Buffy enters)  
  
Buffy - Um.... I need a textbook  
  
Giles - (recognizes her, gets up) into every generation a slayer is born. One born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires and stop the spread of their evil.  
  
Buffy - (tackles and pins him) Stop with the infomercial. I'm retired. Textbook. Now!  
  
(She lets him up. He faces her)  
  
Giles - But, I am your watcher. I have been sent to train you and guide you on your path.  
  
Buffy - Cut the crap. I said I'm retired. Anyway, you're supposed to make me believe there's this whole stupid council and junk but Merrick said that he was reincarnated in each life as the watcher so I really don't get this.  
  
Giles - I never said anything about the council, but now that you mention it....  
  
Buffy - Stuff it. I'm out of here.  
  
Giles - you cannot escape your destiny!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Buffy - (runs out..calls back) Anyway, You're a pervert!!!!!  
  
Giles - ...  
  
A/N yes this is disturbing... thanks to the ftbg for the skateboard guy's quote. Ummm next part should be better that's about all tata review y'all! 


	3. Buffy the Vampire Layer

PART THREE  
  
(This picks up right after part 2)  
  
Giles - Wait, come back!  
  
Buffy - Fine. (She comes back)  
  
CUT TO: (graveyard-night)  
  
Vampire 1- I will kill you, girl!  
  
(OH, btw, Willow's there, watching and looking like an idiot)  
  
Buffy - I'm Buffy the vampire .........  
  
Giles (Whispers loudly) - Slayer.  
  
Buffy - I'm Buffy, the vampire sayer!  
  
Willow - Slayer.  
  
Buffy - I'm Buffy, the vampire layer!  
  
Giles - Slayer!  
  
Buffy - What?  
  
Giles - Oh, bugger! Killer.  
  
Buffy - I'm Buffy, the vampire killer!  
  
Vampire 1- We're already dead you ditz!  
  
(Buffy attempts to kick V1, but he grabs her leg and throws her across the graveyard. She gets up and headbutts him. She then pulls out a stake and prepares to finish him off)  
  
Vampire 1 - Wait! Wanna go on a date tomorrow night?  
  
Buffy - wow! Sure! Oh, shoot! (she suddenly remembers) I have to go to the aluminum with the Cordettes. (A/N isn't it amazing how though Cordy's posse is called that in all the scripts and guidebooks, they are never called it on the show, well I can recall only once and I'm not sure even about that time)  
  
Willow - (wrinkles her nose) Ew, them!  
  
Vampire 1 - See ya tomorrow night, hot stuff!  
  
Buffy - See ya! Right here?  
  
Vampire 1 - Sure.  
  
Buffy - (Blows him a kiss, he walks off)  
  
Giles - Buffy, you should have dusted him when you had the chance.  
  
Buffy - OH, but he's so hot! (walks off)  
  
Giles - (suggestively) So, we're all alone in a graveyard...  
  
Willow - I'm underage, smart one!  
  
Giles - Grrr...  
  
CUT TO: (outside the aluminum)  
  
(Buffy walks down the alley wearing uber-slut clothes. She hears a noise and turns around.)  
  
Buffy - hello?  
  
(Angel steps out of the shadows)  
  
Angel - Greetings, young slayer.  
  
Buffy - Who are you?  
  
Angel - A friend.  
  
Buffy - I don't have any friends I just moved here.  
  
Angel - I have come to give you this. (hands her cross necklace)  
  
Buffy - OOO pretty! Hey, you're hot.  
  
Angel - So are you.  
  
(They gaze into each other's eyes for a few seconds, then Buffy remembers her date)  
  
Buffy - But not as hot as vamp. 1! (walks into the Aluminum. Angel stares after her) 


	4. Hot Date s

PART FOUR  
  
(Buffy's Bedroom, the next night. She is getting ready for her hot date with vamp. 1)  
  
Buffy - (holds up halter top) oh no, I can't wear that, it shows too much neck. Shoot. Why me, why me? Alas, I am in woe, woe is me, I is woe-ing? Is that a word? Ooo, look! (holds up skimpy dress that covers the neck but shows pretty much everything else) It's PERFECT!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
(Outside the Aluminum. Buffy and Vamp.1 walk up, arm in arm. Bouncer stops them.)  
  
Bouncer - (to Buffy) how old are you?  
  
Buffy - (obviously lying) uh, 23?  
  
Bouncer - Ok. (to vamp. 1) How old are you?  
  
Vamp. 1 - 235.  
  
Bouncer - Ok. Go on in.  
  
(the enter the Aluminum)  
  
CUT TO:  
  
(Int. Aluminum. Buffy and Vamp. 1 walk over to Cordy and the Cordettes.)  
  
Buffy - Hey, Cordy.  
  
Cordy - hello, skitzo girl.  
  
Vamp.1 - Hey, hot stuff.  
  
Buffy - (slaps him) excuse me, you are MY date!  
  
Vamp. 1 - Oh yeah, whoops. (walks off and starts flirting with Harmony)  
  
Harm. - Oh, (giggles as he leads her into a dark corner and they start making out)  
  
Cordy - (looking at something over Buffy's shoulder) Hello, salty goodness.  
  
Angel - (walking over, to Buffy) Hey, hot stuff.  
  
Cordy - Wait! That's my effect on guys! Not hers!  
  
Buffy - Well, they always say Blondes have more fun. (she and Angel go to dance)  
  
(Xander, Willow, and Giles walk in)  
  
Cordy - (sees them) XANDER! Dance with me.  
  
(He is drooling at Buffy, and doesn't notice as Cordy drags him out onto the dance floor.  
  
Giles - Well, this was fun. Let's go now.  
  
Willow - Fine. You're such a spoilsport. (suggestively) unless you want to stay...  
  
Giles - (doesn't get the hint) No, no thanks. (leaves)  
  
(MEANWHILE, across the Aluminum)  
  
(Tara and Oz are both staring at Willow. Then, they turn to each other)  
  
Tara - I saw her first!  
  
Oz - Well, how do you know that?  
  
Tara - Because, I do!  
  
(They start having a fist fight, which evolves into a make-out session)  
  
TBC! 


	5. Things Fall From the Balcony

PART FIVE  
  
(Still inside the Aluminum, up on that balcony-thingy. Spike and Drusilla are sitting up there, drinking beer)  
  
Drusilla - That's her, that's the slayer.  
  
Spike - Which one? I can't tell.  
  
Drusilla - The one covered in blood. She's absolutely drowning in it.  
  
Spike - I can't see your damn hallucinations, Dru! Just point, for god's sakes.  
  
Dru - (points) That one.  
  
Spike - Hmmm, quite good-looking, isn't she? (Dru makes an offended noise) And... wait, who's that with her?  
  
Dru - (notices, is excited) Daddy?  
  
Spike - Oh, bloody hell, that's Angelus!  
  
Dru - Naughty, naughty daddy.  
  
(Suddenly, she falls off the balcony and into the dancing and partying crowd)  
  
Spike - Oh, bloody hell.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
(We're back with the dancing couples: Cordy/Xander, Buffy/Angel, Harm./Vamp. 1. Willow stands to the side and looks kinda dejected, since Giles left her standing there. We see Oz and Tara kissing in the background. Suddenly, Drusilla falls from the balcony and right onto the three dancing couples)  
  
Dru - It's my Angel.  
  
Angel - What the..... DRUSILLA?!!!!!!!  
  
Buffy - (jealous) who's that  
  
Angel - A friend.  
  
Cordy - It's obviously his ex or something. I mean, who else could it be?  
  
Xander - You're not wrong.  
  
Buffy - What do you know about it?  
  
Xander - Nothing, it's just my catch phrase.  
  
Harm. - (looking at what seems to be nothing) eeek!  
  
Cordy - What now?  
  
Harm. - That hot guy I was dancing with just, like, disappeared!  
  
Buffy - Vamp. One?  
  
Angel - Buffy's date?  
  
Xander - That pale guy?  
  
Harm. - Yeah. A piece of the wooden railing fell and impaled him. Then, he went *POOF*, and disappeared!  
  
Buffy -And another one turns to dust. BUT, back to Angel's ex over here.  
  
(But Dru has gone away. She is no longer present. She is gone. Willow walks up to the group)  
  
Will - So, what'd I miss?  
  
TBC 


	6. Arguments and Nonsensical Dialogue

PART SIX  
  
A/N: I'm finally updating after. . . God knows how long. Here goes nothing. . .  
  
(This picks up the next morning after the eventful night at the Aluminum. School hasn't started yet, and the gang is out on the front lawn. Cordy approaches)  
  
Cordy - So, Bunny,  
  
Xander - Buffy.  
  
Cordy - Whatever. Anyway, what happened to that hot guy you were dancing with last night at the Aluminum?  
  
Buffy - I don't know. He disappeared. I guess he went home or something.  
  
Willow - Okay, what did I miss?  
  
Buffy - What do you mean?  
  
Willow - I mean at the Aluminum. No one bothered to explain anything to me!  
  
Cordy - Excuse me, I was trying to get Buffy to give me that guy's number!  
  
Buffy - You were?  
  
Cordy - OH, well, I was.  
  
Buffy - Well I don't know it, and if I did, I wouldn't give it to you, you skanky ho!  
  
Cordy - That wasn't nice. Anyway, I'm not nearly as skanky as you!  
  
Buffy - Oh, please! You're like, the uber-slut!  
  
Cordy - Well, I didn't come to the Aluminum with one guy and then leave with a completely different one!  
  
Buffy - Well I only went to someone else when my date started making out with YOUR firend! And I don't try to pick up other people's dates!  
  
Cordy - Whatever! (is distracted by something OC) Oh my God, a hot guy! (wanders away)  
  
Xander - Well, she's easily amused.  
  
Willow - WHAT DID I MISS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Buffy - Ummm. . . Nothing, you didn't miss anything!  
  
Willow - were you slaying more vampires?  
  
Buffy - How do you know that?!  
  
Willow - Duh, I was at the graveyard with you and Giles when Vamp. 1 asked you out.  
  
Buffy - oh yeah. . .  
  
Xander - Vampires?  
  
Buffy - Yeah.  
  
Xander - Okay.  
  
Buffy - So, you guys want to come on patrol with me tonight?  
  
Willow - well, we have this other friend, Jesse. . .  
  
Jesse - Hi! You're kinda hot but I love Cordelia.  
  
Buffy - Who?  
  
Xander - I don't know.  
  
Willow - Jesse?  
  
Xander/Buffy - Huh?  
  
Willow - He was here for about two minutes, was our best friend, got killed and replaced by Buffy?  
  
Xander - Oh yeah, that guy. Whatever.  
  
Buffy - So, meet at my house tonight at 5:00  
  
Willow - I don't really wanna go.  
  
Buffy - Giles will be there  
  
Willow - OK.  
  
TBC  
  
A/N: Okay, I know, this thing is pretty much entirely plotless and there are gaping holes in it. . . but that might be because people hated it and shot it. But that's just a guess. Anyway, please let me know if you want me to update. I probably will anyway, but it feels nice to be loved. Anyway, you review me, I read your stuff and review unless I forget I made this promise and/or let my lazy side win (warning: it usually does). So, tell me any characters I haven't put in yet that you want to see. Ummm. . . REVIEW! 


	7. The Trio Talks in Buffy's Bedroom

PART SEVEN  
  
(A/N I haven't worked on this story in so long and I have no idea where I was going with it, but here goes nothing!)  
  
(That night. Xander and Willow are already at Buffy's house. They're in her room.)  
  
Buffy – So, now that you're all here, I think I should change for patrol.  
  
Xander – OKAY!  
  
Buffy – Turn around, dufus!  
  
Xander – (turns around) That's okay, too, because I can see your reflection in this doorknob here.  
  
Willow – (jealous rage)  
  
Buffy – Okay, all changed!  
  
Xander – (turns back around) Darn, I missed it! Willow, this is all your fault!  
  
Willow – Why?  
  
Xander – Because I said so. And because you're oh-so-easy to blame.  
  
Willow – Why would you say that? You're my best friend. And as far as I know, you're not possessed by a hyena at the moment, so what's wrong with you?  
  
Xander – Well, you can't beat me up. And I don't want to blame myself, so I blamed you. And I want Buffy to like me, so I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  
  
Willow – Sure. . . works for me.  
  
Buffy – You want me to like you?  
  
Xander – I never said that!  
  
Buffy – Okay.  
  
Xander – Oh, yeah, have this bracelet.  
  
Buffy – It says "yours always"  
  
Xander – They all said that, I swear.  
  
Buffy – Okay.  
  
Willow – (jealous rage)  
  
Xander – Uh . . . yeah. . .  
  
(Doorbell rings)  
  
Willow – Oooh! Giles! Yay! (runs to answer it)  
  
Buffy – (vomits on Xander)  
  
Xander – I'm never showering again!  
  
TBC 


End file.
